Change Your Story, Change Your Life
Humor me and take a moment to think about what’s a story you’ve either read or heard about that has stuck with you?
It can literally be any story.
Greek myths, Bible parables, or a story your grandpa told you. It can even be Disney’s Encanto movie (which I’m obsessed with by the way).
Got it in your head? Okay.
Now think about why that story has stuck with you so much.
Maybe it’s how the characters are described or made out to be. It could also be the themes that have significant meaning to you for some reason – themes about redemption, forbidden love, rags to riches, overcoming obstacles, etc.
What do you think has touched you most from those stories?
Next, I want you to check in and reflect about how those details make you feel. Are you inspired? Do you feel validated? Connected? Just take a moment.
As you can see, stories have the power to arouse and stir up deep emotions. Your life story does the same, and it’s why it’s so important to realize how you’re telling it. Let me explain.
What’s your focus?
When you think about how your life has been and how it’s currently going, there are certain details, elements, themes, and so on that your mind will tend to emphasize. What you emphasize is crucial, because if you tend to mostly highlight the bad details or moments of what’s happened to you, then that will take precedence over how you see yourself and your perspective of the world around you.
For example, let’s say you used to go out on hikes with your family when you were a kid. You used to never like those hikes because it would happen every Saturday morning, which is when your favorite cartoons would be on. Saturdays were also one of the two days you would’ve gotten to sleep in. You might also recall having been dragged out when it was cold, rainy, or too hot; none of which made family hiking time any more tolerable. You might also remember how uncomfortable it felt to step in mud, how your siblings annoyed you, and that one time you walked into a spider web.
All of these collected experiences have composed the decision that, “Being outdoors is miserable.” You might also think, “It’s not good to be in nature, because you never know what going to happen.” The list of negative thoughts and feelings towards hiking can continue, instilling within you this opposition towards nature.
These storylines can develop through any gathered experiences you’ve had and it can end up limiting you from achieving what you want and from living happily. Luckily, there’s ways you can shift your narrative.
Revising your story
Narrative therapy offers you ways for changing or altering the constraints of these potentially harmful stories. Some useful approaches are:
1. De-emphasizing the negative (and considering the other details of those stories)
2. Deconstructing the problem
3. Looking at the story from another’s perspective
4. Externalizing the problem
5. Mapping out the problem
De-emphasize the negative
When we can stop stressing the parts that brought on the unhelpful narrative, then we can begin to consider the additional details that were not so bad. For example, let’s say you’ve been through several, failed romantic relationships resulting in you thinking you’ll be alone forever.
De-emphasizing the aspects of what contributed to the end of those relationships, and instead naming the other favorable experiences will begin to create the alternative narrative. You might recall all the times when you resolved arguments, were able to compromise, and shared moments of real intimacy. You’ll begin to realize you’re failed relationships were not completely bad, but they had bad things in them. Which brings me to the next approach.
Deconstruct the problem
Instead of saying, “they were all failed relationships” and automatically placing a blanket theme over them, try to deconstruct each relationship. Be wary of making generalized statements like, “well, they were all unwilling to do the work to make things better.” Try instead to give clear examples. One relationship may have involved a weary partner, whom after so many arguments, was no longer interested in trying anymore. Another may have had an issue of “shutting down” when confronted and stopped communicating. Another yet may have tried a lot, and in retrospect, the problem was with you who decided to be reluctant in adjusting because the compromises were too great.
Deconstructing the problems in your narrative will help you understand what problem areas you might need to work on, as well as help you be more accurate with what is truly going on.
Consider another’s perspective
This approach reflects one of the core principles of narrative therapy: there is no objective reality or absolute truth. While you recounted past lovers were unwilling to do the work, what might they say about you and the given situations? Imagine you were watching past arguments from the perspective of an audience member viewing this on TV. How would they describe the scene?
Telling the story from another’s perspective might seem difficult (since you’ll have your biases of the narrative you currently have), but it’s very useful once you get the hang of it!
Externalizing the problem
Separating a problem from yourself (or others) will further help you realize your story can be altered. Let’s say you’ve determined you’re a nagger in your relationships, and that’s partly why past partners had become seemingly unwilling to work through relationship issues. Calling yourself a nagger would imply that’s just who you are – it’s a part of you, thus unchangeable.
Externalizing this concept and changing your wording to a person who nags will aid you in understanding that nagging behavior can be changed. While appearing simplistic, how we use our words with ourselves and others is incredibly important.
Mapping out the problem
The last method I’ll mention here is mapping out the problem. It starts with defining the characteristics and naming or labeling of the issue. What does nagging look like? The next step requires mapping out where the problem impacts areas of your life. Does nagging behavior seep into not only your romantic relationships, but also when you’re trying to get cooperation at work? Does it come out with your kids?
After that, we look at how that problem affects those other areas of your life. How do your coworkers react when you begin to nag? And finally, what personal values do you have that are not congruent with that behavior? Maybe you value free will and encourage autonomy. Is it possible that nagging behavior is violating the independence of others?
The Takeaway
I hope this post has encouraged you to take control of your own story and understand that you can make it work for you. Stories help us find meaning and purpose, as well as establish our identities in this world. Narrative therapy strives to separate issues from yourself (and others) so you can get a clearer picture of those things.
Granted, certain components are going to be facts. We can’t take away the reality of you having experienced numerous endings of relationships, but we can change the meaning placed on them.
I invite anyone reading this to look at how you’ve been telling your story. Do you like how you’re relating it? If not, then start amending those chapters and switching up those anecdotes. Create a truth that serves you and how you’ll operate in this world so you can continue to heal and grow.
